


Inside You're Ugly

by Calamity_Hero_Awakens



Category: Saw (Movies)
Genre: Adam has OCD, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Comfort, Comfort/Angst, Domestic Boyfriends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Intrusive Thoughts, Light Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mild Sexual Content, Past Violence, Serial Killers, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Violence, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-14
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-07 07:26:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 5,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26469403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Calamity_Hero_Awakens/pseuds/Calamity_Hero_Awakens
Summary: Adam’s hand drifted down to the powerlock on the inside of the door and he clicked it multiple times rapidly. Unlock, lock, unlock, lock, unlock, lock. His hand felt against the plastic of the interior up to the individual lock on his door, making sure it hadn’t suddenly unlocked itself in the second he had abandoned it.“Adam, the door’s still locked,” Lawrence said.“Uh-huh,” Adam lamely replied. Still, his fingers continued to fiddle with the lock.‘We can easily get into an accident. Lawrence is too good to die, but I’m not.’
Relationships: Adam Faulkner-Stanheight/Lawrence Gordon
Comments: 2
Kudos: 30





	1. ▪Harm OCD▪

**Author's Note:**

> There are several different subgenres of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. This is just a short fic about Adam with Harm OCD, written by someone who actually has Harm OCD. I share my experiences and feeling with him, so trust me, I know what I'm doing. (Each section deals with a particular issue and is preceded by a quote/explanation from a book I have dealing with the topic.)

Harm OCD focuses on unwanted, intrusive thoughts of a violent or tragic nature. This may include fears related to your harming others or a fear or harming yourself.  
Common obsessions in harm OCD include:  
-Fear of suddenly snapping and violently attacking another person or yourself  
-Fear of harming a dependent or loved one  
-Fear of failing to respond to violent thoughts appropriately  
-Fear of being overwhelmed by harm thoughts and choosing to act on them to relieve the pressure  
-Fear of losing or having lost consciousness somehow and committing violent acts that you won't remember  
-Fear of accidentally poisoning someone  
-Fear of an inexplicable personality shift resulting in enjoyment of harm thoughts and acting them out

Here are some compulsions typically related to harm OCD:  
-Mentally reviewing thoughts and memories of events for the purpose of gaining certainty that you have not harmed or would not harm anyone  
-Compulsive flooding: Trying to force yourself to imagine violent acts in an attempt to prove that you are disgusted by them and would not do them  
-Thought neutralization: Purposefully forcing yourself to think a positive or otherwise contradictory thought in response to a harm thought  
-Compulsive prayer or magical rituals: Repeating prayers or mantras by rote in response to unwanted thoughts  
-Repeating behaviors in response to a thought of harming in an attempt to complete them without having the thought  
-Researching violent offenders and comparing and contrasting them to yourself

**══════════════════════════════════════════**

_The car could crash and kill us both. Diana would actually lose her father for real this time._ Adam’s eyes drifted over to the next lane as Lawrence drove on, the car filled with the quiet sound of whatever music was playing on the radio. _That car could come over into our lane and hit us head on. The human head sounds like a thick egg when it cracks. That’s probably what it would sound like when we were crushed; that, and the sound of twisting metal. Our bones would be crushed to dust and our organs woul-_

“What are you thinking about?” Lawrence suddenly asked, sparing a glance at Adam in the passenger’s seat.

“What do you mean?”

“You've got the ‘Adam's thinking too much’ look going on. So what's bothering you?”

“Nothing. Just thinking about stuff,” Adam replied, his eyes flicking between the oncoming car in the lane beside them and the plastic of the their own car’s interior.

 _Can’t get hurt if I’m being safe,_ Adam’s mind tried to tell him and his hand drifted down to the lock of the car, flicking it open and closed again. His gaze shifted to the people on the street as they passed quickly by and his hand absentmindedly flicked the lock again. Unlocked, locked. Unlocked, locked. ‘We’re safe. We’re not going to die.’

For once, the anxiety eating him from the inside out seemed relaxed. Yes, he felt absolutely helpless and there was a very real sense of “We’re going to die in this car” to him, but he was only mildly bothered by it. His head was always filled with the anxious thoughts - Were they rational or irrational? He’d had them for so long, he wasn’t sure - and having them at a lower volume than usual was a relief. They never truly went away, just became less intense at times.

Adam’s hand drifted down to the powerlock on the inside of the door and he clicked it multiple times rapidly. Unlock, lock, unlock, lock, unlock, lock. His hand felt against the plastic of the interior up to the individual lock on his door, making sure it hadn’t suddenly unlocked itself in the second he had abandoned it.

“Adam, the door’s still locked,” Lawrence said.

“Uh-huh,” Adam lamely replied. Still, his fingers continued to fiddle with the lock.

_We can easily get into an accident. Lawrence is too good to die, but I’m not._


	2. ▪Thought Neutralization▪

This compulsion involves silently saying words or purposely attending to thoughts that are the opposite of the unwanted OCD thoughts. The belief is that a "good" thought will neutralize a "bad" one, and preempt unwanted consequences. For example, you might respond to the thought, 'I might hurt that person' with 'I love that person'.

**══════════════════════════════════════════**

Seated on one end of the couch, Adam tucked his legs up to his chest, hugging himself in a loose embrace as he watched the movie that played on the television in front of him. Less than a foot away, Lawrence was watching the movie as well, his feet propped up on the coffee table. Adam had tried to focus on the movie and had done pretty well at following the plot, but he couldn’t force himself to be invested in it as much as he would have liked. It was more of something his partner would enjoy and he found himself quickly distracted, his gaze flicking between different objects in the room before landing on the corner of the wooden coffee table. Like a majority of furniture, its edges were straight and the corners were pointed dangerously, making it a major hazard for unsuspecting shins.

It reminded Adam of when he had been in middle school and one of his classmates had been fooling around. The hyper child hadn’t been able to keep still, constantly moving in some kind of way. When the bell had finally rung and they had gone to switch classes, the boy had grabbed his bookbag and hurried to leave the room, tripping in his haste and bashing his head against the corner of the teacher’s desk. Adam could still hear the kid’s scream as he hit the floor, his hands flying to his face as he yelled, “My head! My head!” Adam vaguely remembered thinking, _I thought blood was brighter._

He had been proved wrong a second time when he had been locked in that bathroom, seeing the blood - or, technically, fake blood - of the “dead” man in the center of the room, and then Lawrence’s and his own. After seeing so much of the dark crimson liquid, Adam wasn’t sure how he could have ever thought it was such a bright, cheery colour.

_When there’s that much poison in your blood, the only thing left to do – is shoot yourself._

Adam lifted the front of his black hoodie and slid his knees up under it, stretching the fabric out, though only minimally. The piece of clothing was already too big, hanging off his frame and sleeves practically swallowing his arms. Reaching his hands up, Adam struggled for a minute to get his hands out of the baggy piece of clothing before picking at the drawstrings of the hood, absentmindedly chewing on them as his eyes darted back to the television. Were they watching a romance film? He could have sworn they were watching a comedy, but the couple on the screen were lip-locked and Adam’s eyes darted away, his mind far from whatever movie they had put on an hour ago.

Adam wouldn’t hurt Lawrence. He knew he could never do that… Right?

“I love him,” Adam mumbled under his breath, just barely above a whisper. He couldn’t hurt Lawrence because he loved him too much to ever do that. Lawrence had saved him from certain doom, had cut off his foot for him. Okay, maybe not explicitly for him, but at least partially for him.

Adam chanted those three words over and over in his quiet voice, as if repeating them over countless times would make them more real than just a simple thought, a whisper on the wind.

“Did you say something?” Lawrence suddenly asked and Adam’s head jerked over to look at him, the drawstring in his mouth falling from its place between his teeth.

“I love you,” Adam said without a second thought, receiving a small smile from Lawrence.

“I love you too, Adam.”

“No,” Adam said in frustration, picking at the frayed end of the string on the hoodie, “I really love you. Like...a lot.” It was hard to phrase how he felt and that only frustrated him farther.

“I know, Adam.”

“No you don’t!” Adam groaned in frustration, dropping his head against his knees before jerking upright again, sliding his legs out from under his hoodie. In a less than graceful manner, the man moved to sit on one of his knees on the couch, leaning forward to cup the other man’s face. Adam’s eyes slipped closed, allowing himself to feel the other man. His skin was warm and as their faces drew close together, Adam could feel the warm breath on his face.

“Like, I really _really_ love you, Lawrence. So just shut up.”

Lawrence did as told, placing his hand fondly on the side of Adam’s face. He could tell Adam was frustrated and it would just be best to let him get it out of his system, helping however he could.

Adam’s forehead bumped Lawrence’s before he moved to nuzzle his face into his partner’s neck, moving his hands to Lawrence’s shoulders.

“I’m not going to hurt you,” he mumbled, mostly to himself. “I love you, I love you, I love you.”


	3. ▪Compulsive Flooding▪

As a behavioral technique, flooding can be an effective form of short-term exposure with response prevention for an unwanted thought. It would typically take the shape of agreeing with and exaggerating the thought until habitation sets in and mindfulness can return. Sometimes sufferers who engage in a lot of obsessional thinking will use this technique as a form of testing their reactions to situations, and force themselves to flood unwanted thoughts in specific circumstances. Because it's painful, it demonstrates to you that the thoughts are somehow not really yours. For example, if you fear harming someone, you may force yourself to imagine committing an act of violence. The thought disgusts and horrifies you, so then you review 'how' horrified you are and use this as a strategy for feeling more assured that you wouldn't commit such an act.

**══════════════════════════════════════════**

“Adam, what are you doing?” Lawrence asked, glancing toward the television from his place in the kitchen. As he prepared dinner, he couldn’t help but notice that his partner hadn’t joined him; instead, he was planted on the center cushion of the couch and he was watching some kind of film.

“Watching something,” Adam replied distractedly, his eyes glued to the screen. On the bulky television was a documentary of a man named John Haigh. As Lawrence went about cooking dinner, Adam remained seated on the couch, watching the documentary with knitted eyebrows. With every word that was said, Adam couldn’t help but think, _Would I do that?_

Learning about the “Acid Bath Murderer” of the mid 1900s, Adam found himself repulsed. There was no way he was like this man, not by any stretch of the imagination. Adam might not be a saint - he smoked, he cursed worse than any sailor, and he had done some illegal and questionable things in his lifetime - but he hadn’t committed acts of violence like Haigh had. He hadn’t lured people to his house and murdered them in cold blood and he hadn’t thrown corpses into vats of acid.

Sitting in the center of the couch, Adam tucked his legs up and wrapped his arms around them so that they were pressed tightly to his chest. His breathing was heavy as he rested his chin on his knees, eyes still trained on the screen as his mind went to war with itself.

 _This is horrifying… Right? Yes. Yes, this is terrible, no doubt about it. I would never do something like this. I wouldn’t do something even half as bad as this. I’m not like him; I don’t hurt people. I don’t_ enjoy _hurting people._

“Isn’t that a little dark?” Lawrence’s voice startled him out of his thoughts and Adam’s head jerked towards the kitchen to see the man standing at the counter, watching the television. Adam wasn’t sure how to respond so he simply shrugged.

“Alright, well, dinner’s ready. Come eat.”

“Okay,” Adam simply replied, casting another glance at the screen before heading toward the dining room; he was still trying to convince himself he wasn’t as bad as a serial killer as they sat down for dinner.


	4. ▪Checking and Mental Checking▪

Checking is a compulsion designed to force a sense of safety when safety is mostly an illusion anyway. When a person locks a door or shuts off a stove, he typically walks away from the experience feeling as if he has accomplished some minor task. The door 'feels' locked, and the stove 'feels' shut off. This person doesn't have OCD. So his brain presents his mind with whatever sensation equated to "Got it done; on to the next thing." Someone with OCD who engages in checking rituals isn't getting that message. She is waiting for it and scanning the mind for it, but finding nothing, she determines the task might not have been completed. She goes back and checks. And she does it over and over and over again until she forces her brain to produce the sensation of completion - at least long enough to get out of the house and far enough away not to turn back.  
&  
It's not just about going back to make sure the stove is off. The physical act of returning to check is often a last-ditch effort to neutralize the discomfort that comes with unwanted thoughts about unchecked things bursting into flames (literally or figuratively). This means that a mountain of mental checking must be happening first. Whenever you try to answer the question in your head, 'Is it done?' you are engaging in a mental ritual. Checking your mind doesn't help you know whether it's done. This mind has no new information.

**══════════════════════════════════════════**

“You look good in that,” Lawrence said, admiring Adam. The photographer had thrown on a pair of black boxers and one of Lawrence’s button up shirts when he had finished with his shower but the doctor thought he looked wonderful.

“It looks better on you,” Adam replied, dropping his wet towel in the hamper beside the bathroom door.

“Really?” Lawrence replied, eyeing his partner as the man approached. “Because I think it’d look better on the floor.”

Adam rolled his eyes and was about to join Lawrence on their bed when he had a sudden thought. Had they locked the front door? He thought he had seen Lawrence lock it, but he searched his memory and came up empty.

“I’ll be right back,” he said, redirecting himself to the door and entering the living area, quickly approaching the front door and checking to see that, yes, the deadbolt was slid into place and the door was locked.

Hurrying back to the bedroom, Adam bounced up onto the bed beside his partner, immediately burying his face into the man’s neck as large hands gripped his hips, Lawrence’s thumbs slipping below the waistband of his boxers to press into his skin. Adam was quick to push Lawrence back, straddling his hips and assaulting the man’s neck with wet, needy kisses. It had been a while since they had last made love and Adam found himself more desperate than usual as he pressed their lower halves together. A breathy noise left the doctor’s mouth at the sudden friction and he held Adam’s hips tight, pulling the man down against him as the photographer continued to move.

Through the pleasured haze that had begun to envelope Adam’s mind, he felt the discomfort beginning to eat at him again. Had the front door been locked? He thought back over the events of that evening and even to when he had checked minutes ago but couldn’t remember. Had he even checked in the first place?

“Hold on,” Adam said, pulling back from Lawrence’s embrace.

“What’s wrong?” the blonde immediately asked, his hands rubbing gently at Adam’s hips.

Adam considered checking the front door again and Lawrence could practically see the thought in his eyes.

“The door’s locked,” Lawrence said, patting Adam’s hip. “I locked it when I got home.”

“I’m just…” Adam climbed off of Lawrence and quickly exited the bedroom, hurrying to the front door of their apartment and checking to make sure that, yes, the lock was still in place. He felt ridiculous as he reentered their bedroom and climbed back on top of Lawrence, mumbling a quick apology into his neck before returning to covering him in kisses, grinding their hips together.

Their actions were short-lived once more as Adam’s mind wandered and he absentmindedly began to stop, his eyes unfocused on Lawrence’s chest as he tried to remember. That damn door!

“Adam?”

“Sorry. I’m just…” Adam shook his head. “Nothing, nevermind. Sorry.”

“Let me distract you,” Lawrence said and even when his large hands gripped Adam’s hips as he flipped them and sat on his partner’s thighs, pushing the photographer’s shirt out of the way before pressing kisses to Adam’s neck and shoulders, Adam still felt the unease at the back of his mind.

He couldn’t remember if he’d locked the front door.


	5. ▪Scenario Bending▪

The mental ritual of scenario bending (also known as theorizing or hypothesizing) combines reviewing and checking by first replaying an event that did take place and then adding a hypothetical element of the event that could have happened but did not take place. Someone engaging in this compulsion would then proceed to analyze how he 'would' have behaved if the feared scenario had taken place. The ritual is aimed at determining how appropriately you would respond in a feared hypothetical scenario, in the hopes that you will have certainty of your moral constitution.  
Because the OCD knows that this is all theater but you may feel it's an honest attempt to work out a mental construct, the result is typically some sense of ambiguity about what you would or wouldn't do. Your OCD then uses this as evidence that you are morally defective, and that the obsessions are warnings that you must take very seriously.

**══════════════════════════════════════════**

Sitting in the park, Adam felt exhausted. His mind had been running a mile a minute the night before and he had gotten only a few hours of sleep. Resting on the park bench, camera in hands, the man still found his mind going. He didn’t want to dwell on the thoughts but it wasn’t like he had much choice as they bounced around his skull, demanding attention.

What if he’d had the gun?

That was the most prominent thought in his mind. What if the roles had been reversed and he had been the one with the gun, told to kill Lawrence? Could he have done it?

_Apathetic, but mostly just pathetic._

He didn’t want to believe that was him but he couldn’t deny it. If he had been the one with the power over Lawrence’s life, he knew what would have happened. He would have forced himself to stop thinking, stop feeling, and point and shoot. He had no doubt in his mind that he would have done just that.

Would it matter that Lawrence had a family waiting for him? Tied up and hurt? Maybe, but probably not enough for Adam to choose Lawrence’s life over his own.

Adam’s hands shook slightly, his fingers gripping his camera tightly.

No. He wouldn’t hurt Lawrence. Even if they were complete strangers and their lives were in danger, Adam wouldn’t hurt him. He might have been apathetic (and pathetic) but he wouldn’t have been _that_ apathetic.

The two possible outcomes to that scenario were at war with each other in his head and Adam found himself tearing up. He valued life more than that, didn’t he? He couldn’t possibly murder someone in cold blood if he thought it ensured his own survival.

The gruesome images and internal war were still going strong as Adam slung the strap of his camera around his neck and headed home.


	6. ▪Reassurance Seeking▪

OCD sufferers often fail to identify reassurance seeking as a compulsion. After all, if you have doubts about something, particularly something that you view as extremely important, it seems reasonable to get a second opinion. But like checking, reassurance seeking doesn't stop the loop in your head for more than a moment. It just creates a new loop. You have an obsessive thought and found some way of feeling that it was addressed, and now every time you have that obsessive thought, you feel that it has to be addressed in that way.

**══════════════════════════════════════════**

“Hey Lawrence?”

The doctor glanced up from his laptop to show that he was listening before returning to his work.

“Yes?”

“Do you think I could kill someone again?”

Lawrence’s head jerked up and he stared in confusion and alarm at the man sitting beside him. He was sitting in the dining room chair backwards, his arms crossed over the back of the chair and his chin resting on them. The expression on his face was one of sadness and exhaustion and Lawrence wasn’t sure what to do.

“Of course not,” he responded, his eyebrows knit together as he scrutinized the situation. “Why would you ask that?”

Adam shrugged.

“Adam, talk to me.”

Lawrence closed his laptop and pushed it off to the side, stacking his folders on top of it before devoting his attention to his partner.

With the attention on him, Adam shifted uncomfortably. His gaze flitted around the room, landing on a variety of different things before he glanced back to Lawrence to see the man’s blue eyes watching him carefully.

“I just, I don’t know.”

Adam sighed and pressed his forehead against his forearms, hiding his face as he said, “I think I could if I had to, if it meant protecting you. I’m just…”

An uncomfortable silence filled the room but Lawrence waited patiently for Adam to continue.

“I’m afraid I’d do it to someone without a reason. Like, I’d just, kill them. And I don’t know why.”

Adam’s head jerked up, his eyes now filling with panic as his breaths came a little quicker than before.

“What if I already have? What if I’ve killed someone and I don’t remember it? Lawrence, what if-”

“Adam, stop.”

Lawrence’s hands cupped the brunette’s cheeks and Adam closed his eyes, trying to make himself stop thinking about it. The effort was completely in vain but all he wanted for the moment was to keep himself from crying.

“Where is this coming from?” Lawrence gently asked but Adam couldn’t answer him. He didn’t know what to say and the lump in his throat was nearly choking him.

“You wouldn’t do that. I know you, Adam. You’re not a vicious person.”

Adam’s eyes finally opened and Lawrence almost couldn’t bear to see the anguish in them.

“I’ve killed someone before, Lawrence. How can you say that I won’t do it again?”

“Listen to me, Adam,” Lawrence firmly said, petting Adam’s cheeks with his thumbs. “You did what you had to do to keep us both alive. If you hadn’t, he would have killed us. I know you wouldn’t kill someone for no reason, okay? Listen to me. You’re not dangerous. Say it.”

Adam shook his head. While Lawrence’s words were a little comforting to hear, he couldn’t believe he wasn’t dangerous.

“Say it, Adam.”

Adam opened his mouth and closed it again but Lawrence’s thumbs kept petting his cheeks in a gentle manner. It was a long moment before Adam’s eyes opened to see his partner and when they did, he found the courage to say it.

“I’m not dangerous,” he meekly said, his vision blurry with tears.

Lawrence shifted to the edge of his seat and leaned forward to press his forehead against Adam’s and the action was too similar to the first time he had done it.

A sudden sob tore itself from Adam’s throat and he was left practically bawling as Lawrence moved to hold him, kneeling down to the side of the chair as Adam wrapped himself around his partner and sobbed into his shoulder.


	7. ▪Self-Punishment▪

Both OCD sufferers and treatment providers often overlook the compulsion to exact mental abuse against oneself. You may believe that you have done something wrong or committed some sort of unforgivable error. Or in OCD terms, you may struggle with uncertainty about potential past transgressions. To accept that you 'might' have done the wrong thing and move on would mean tolerating the discomfort of feeling as if you were getting away with a crime (whether the crime actually happened or not). To account for this, you may intentionally force feelings of guilt and negative self-thoughts as a form of sentencing for the crime, just in case. Once you feel adequately punished, you believe that you are more likely to move on.  
While beating yourself up is obviously painful, it's a relief strategy from the greatest pain you can imagine: escaping justice.

**══════════════════════════════════════════**

_I wish I could just be normal,_ Adam thought for the umpteenth time. He knew it wasn’t normal to constantly feel the way he did, but he also didn’t know what was wrong with him. Lawrence didn’t seem to feel the same way he did nor did he seem to obsess over the macabre or violent.

_That man probably had a family that loved him. But I killed him like it was nothing. I’m going to rot in hell for it._

“Ready for bed?” Lawrence asked as he entered the bedroom and headed to the dresser.

“Yep,” Adam replied, already in his sweatpants and sitting cross legged on his side of their bed. He watched in silence as Lawrence shed his clothes and dressed in his pajamas before approaching the bed and sitting on the edge to remove his prosthetic.

Flopping back on the bed, Adam didn’t bother to get under the thick blanket as he stared up at the ceiling.

‘Why does Lawrence like me? I’m a terrible person. I’ll probably just end up hurting him like everyone else. Why can’t he just push me away and get it over with already? He has to know I’m bad for him.’

The doctor shifted on the bed, swinging his legs up and clicking off the lamp on his nightstand before moving to get comfortable. Adam could practically feel the blue eyes on him but he continued to stare at the ceiling in the darkness, wishing he could disappear.

_It’s my fault Lawrence had to cut off his foot. If he’d just shot me he wouldn’t have had to do it. He could have just gotten rid of me and gone back to his happy life with his wife and kid._

His hand drifted up to his right shoulder, his fingertips brushing over the thick scar that adorned his skin. Almost two years later, it was still as noticeable as ever and Adam hated it. Most days he wished that Lawrence had put the bullet in his head instead of his shoulder. It would have saved them both a lot of trouble.

“Does it hurt?” Lawrence suddenly asked, pushing Adam’s fingers out of the way as he ran his fingers around the scar, making sure to be careful with the old wound.

“No,” Adam replied, though he offered nothing more. His stomach churned with the comfortable feeling of guilt as his thoughts returned to their previous topic but Lawrence was quick to disrupt them.

“You know, I’ve been thinking,” Lawrence said, shifting closer to rest his chin on Adam’s shoulder, staring at Adam’s face though the man seemed more interested in the ceiling. “Maybe you should see a therapist.”

“I’m good,” Adam replied dismissively.

“Adam, listen to me please.”

Said man lazily turned his head to the right, watching his partner as he spoke.

“I’ve seen how unhappy you are. Most of the time you look absolutely miserable. I understand if you don’t want to talk to me about it, but at least talk to _someone_. You don’t deserve to be miserable.”

“Don’t I?”

“No, you don’t. So please? If not for you, then for me?”

Lawrence’s fingers brushed over the scar on Adam’s shoulder before cupping the left side of his face.

“I want you to be happy.”

Adam sighed but pushed his face closer until their noses touched.

“Fine. For you.”

“Thank you,” Lawrence whispered before placing a gentle kiss to Adam’s lips. “I love you.”

A small smile appeared on Adam’s face at the three words.

“I love you too.”


	8. ▪Epilogue▪

Standing in the hospital hallway, Adam shifted from foot to foot uncomfortably, his hands jammed into his pockets and his shoulders tense. Adam had never been fond of hospitals, especially after his long stay two years prior, and he couldn’t understand how Lawrence had returned to work in one. He knew he wouldn’t have been able to do it; he would have gone crazy if he’d tried. Then again, maybe he was already crazy.

Pacing uncomfortably, Adam nearly jumped out of his skin when the door beside him flew open.

“Oh! Adam?” the man asked, watching as the photographer continued to shift uncomfortably as he nodded.

“Excellent! I’m ready for you.”

Adam followed the man into his office and took a seat on the short couch in front of the desk. The piece of furniture had been covered with a blue sheet, the edges of the sheet tucked into the crevices of the couch and Adam ran his hand over the soft surface as the man took a seat in the office chair behind the desk.

“Doctor Gordon told me you’ve been struggling lately. From what he described, I have some assumptions of what could be going on, but not enough to make an official diagnosis yet. First, I’d like to-”

“Like what?” Adam interrupted.

“Well, it would be best not to worry about it.”

“But what do you think it could be?”

The doctor sighed.

“From what doctor Gordon has described, it sounds like you might have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder.”

“No, that’s, like, that’s the thing where people are obsessed with putting things in order and stuff,” Adam less-than-eloquently said.

“Well, obsessions with order can be a compulsion of OCD, but not always.”

Adam thought that over before timidly suggesting, “What about wanting to hurt people? Like, always thinking about it and being afraid of hurting people and stuff?”

“Harm OCD is a type of the disorder,” the man replied, watching Adam shift on the couch. “Do you have those kinds of thoughts, Adam?”

Adam slowly nodded.

“Well, it’s not going to be easy. Sometimes you’re going to be overwhelmed but that’s okay. You’re not crazy, Adam.”

The brunette’s head jerked up. “Really?”

“Believe it or not, everyone has those thoughts every now and then; they’re a normal part of life. The difference is you have them at a more intense degree and it can be hard to convince yourself that the thoughts don’t mean anything when your brain is trying to tell you the opposite.”

For the first time, Adam felt a weight come off his chest. He wasn’t crazy. Hearing that reassurance - from a doctor, of all people - brought a huge sense of relief washing over him and Adam felt overwhelmed in the best way.

“Now,” the doctor shuffled some papers to the side and then leaned back in his seat, devoting all of his attention to Adam, “how have you actually been doing?”

**Author's Note:**

> (Title taken from the song “Outside” by Staind)


End file.
